wasteful thinking

i dont know what to make of everything thats happening before me.
unfolding to become reality. taking me by surprise. making me think twice.
i seem to be so indecisive. ive been told that my mind changes so quickly.
i dont know what to say anymore. this flesh is seeming so enticing.
"lie..it'll be alright." it says to me. so softly, those words settle in my mind.
they leave me pondering whether this chance will come soon. or its all too good to be true.
but then i come to the conclusion that reality doesn't mix with uncertainty and irrational decisions. it always ends up spilling.
lying to everyone makes everything SO much easier.
but i feel like id start sinking into this ditch faster than i was before.
id like to say that i can manage
but truth is, i dont even know how to accomplish that.
the truth is like a double edged sword.
Keeping everything discreet and locked with a key
is better than spilling the beans.
its better to think that everythings all fine, and smile
on the outside.
than to bring it out for everyone to analyze.
When i think about Gods words, it all seems to disappear.
the guilt, the shame, all this wasteful thinking.

But,Ive declared that this wont overtake me.
cause in Gods name, everything can be done.
we are humans, we shouldn't expect to do much by ourselves.
God is there to guide us, not to leave us blinded.

Jeanine