i dont think im whole. I still feel broken. I dont feel the same as before. But truth is, im not like before. And i dont think i can even decide which one of me was better. Me now, or me before.

I had a coversation with my aunt yesterday. I dont remember how the conversation began, but we were talking about unforgiveness. I said that i would forgive. But i sit here, in the back seat of the family car, a dark blue mercury monterey, and i testify to say that i still dont forgive her. Her voice still pulses back in through my brain, sending signals to my heart. The heart that will forever more hold the records of her uncontrollable attempts that almost made me a martyr or a killer.

I would fully disconnect from whatever i saw unfolding, taking shape in front of me. Whether it was my mothers muscles reacting to a nerve that came from the brain that was controlled by the other force. I can close my eyes and see her knuckles as they made their way to my fathers face; it was 4am, semis on both sides, going 89 mph. Poignant red burgandy blood running down his face, tears running down mine, and hate all over my mothers. I remember it like it just happened in front of me.

I would worship in my heart. I would worship so within me that no one but me could even feel my vocal chords beating and moving away, words being processed inside.

I misplaced my ipod and i havent seen it for three weeks and a half. I started telling my dad how my ipod was what helped keep me sane when everything happened.

I cant come to a definite and accurate number of how many times ive cried right next to someone..and they dont even notice.

I honestly, really dont like my mother. Shes starting to follow us again.

Sometimes, i wonder why these things happen to me. Why everyday feels like i have to climb over higher mountains and jump into deeper tunnels and run to the end before the sun falls and i lose my strength. These questions fall into my lap, new ones everyday surface my mind. And here i am, again, like countless times before..with no answer to the questions, the challenge that always unfolds. Its not like a movie that you can almost predict the ending, no. Fear is like a monster breathing down my neck. Its the giant that God told me about in the summer. I keep on putting it away in my closet, and just now, im forced to swallow my cowardly instinct and drink in admittance of its existence. But this time is a whole lot different- Im looking to God for strength, instead of hiding what i dont want to face for a later date.

Jump and fall:

? Gods plans are SO much better than mine. So why would i want my plans to work out if his are a gajillion times better than my own? Sometimes we forget to

? put that into perspective. We whine, we cry, just because our plans didnt go the way we wanted to or they didnt happen at all.

Sins like a potato chip. You cant only have one, and at the end of the day you're paying the consequence of being sick to your stomach.

Keep the fire..Fan it daily with time in God's presence.

& bad. Laying down makes it better but if i cough, it feels like im stabbing myself. Its really painful.

& I have this really sharp pain and my dad thinks that it might be my appendix..pray that it isnt :/ i cant go sleep cause of how much it hurts. Its really

I feel like throwing up.

? go away from this. I want to leave now and quick. Lord please give me the strength to stand firm in you. I cant think straight anymore.

? I dont even know what to think anymore. I want to tell someone but i cant cause i dont want to lose the other persons trust. I want to be free. I want to

My birthday is in 6 days. Im really excited for it :) but not at the same time, if that even makes sense? Im not sure..but yeah.lol

Dear Jesus,
I was wondering if you could just really provide for me to get that nikon camera that i really want. :) or whatever you want for me, its fine.

I had such an awesome day today. Gods really blessing me so much. Thank you Jesus<3 for all of my friends, old and new. For gisselle, katy, and pipo<3 thank you

Lord please provide for the camera that i want to get lord. If its not in your will that i get one, than please take the want to have one away from me.

Lord please help my brother find his glasses. We cant afford to buy him another pair.

open and unbroken

i kind of miss just letting it all out on here. where no one really knows who i am and i can say whatever i want without being criticized for it or told something. sometimes, i dont need someone to tell me anything, i just need someone who will listen and wont say anything back. im going to start sharing how i feel on here from now on and not alot on tumblr. i miss being vulnerable in my writing.

I am tumblr deprived..

he won too many battles because i was voluntarily blindfolded.

i kept on falling off the edge; holding onto something more thats was never really there. it was all a facade, all a dream from the one who loathes my very existence. i let him win many times, to the point where i forgot about his enemy who loves me, for 5 years of my life. he won too many battles because i was voluntarily blindfolded. 

one year ago exactly, i walked blindfolded into Jesus’s arms, listening to his directions. “go left, go right, go left, you’re here.” he took the blindfolds off and put his hands over my face. i tried to open them but the light burned my eyes. all my eyes knew was darkness and all i did was hide from everything. months later, now i can see without his hands over my eyes to shade me from the light because now..i am part of the light. I am His treasure, his child and children are born to shine. im shining. i am free.

U rly, God gives us knowledge to tell the difference. He gives us clarity. We need Jesus to live, to prosper; we have to stop taking off our glasses.

U ll wrong from right because we're blinded by the enemy. And when we find out is when its too late, we've already contaminated ourselves with sin. And its

U ing to me: that also applies to our spiritual lives. Without my glasses, i cant tell an orange from a mango, a raisin from a bug. And in order for me to

U know what it is, i have to touch it, i have to feel it. And thats just like our spiritual life. When we Don't have god and we're in the world, we cant te

U ing to me: that also applies to our spiritual lives. Without my glasses, i cant tell an orange from a mango, a raisin from a bug. And in order for me to

U I took off my glasses, and i told my cousin, "giss, did you know i cant see my hand in front of my face without my glasses." And then god revealed someth

I made peach cobbler and everyone ate it so fast, they all loved it(: purty good. I made it from scratch too. Ive always been good at baking, when i was little, i wanted to be a professional pastry chef, with my own bakery :') but journalism is betterrrrr! Lol. Im getting a nikon SLR camera with my birthday money :3 and im taking my cousins wedding pictures with them, im so excited. im so excited for my future<33

Michael Buble is so dreamyy.

love is like a hurricane

“loves like a hurricane, i am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his winds and mercy.” 

Dear Jesus, 

Today i confronted the person who has hurt me the most..she still doesnt realize how much she hurt me. i went to talk to her and i could feel the bruises re-surfacing, the wounds re-opening, my ribs becoming broken again inside me. i felt as if confronting her was the hardest thing i could ever do. i could feel anger and hate on my tongue again. it was in my saliva. i held back my tongue and swallowed. i looked at her and i said it. i told her how i didnt want to live with someone who only had bad intentions and wanted to hurt me. she called me an idiot. i asked her if she knew why i didnt like her, and she said that she regretted my existence. that was when i knew that i could flip it around, to bring YOU glory. i told her that you had a purpose for my existence, i told her that i was made for good, that you have a purpose for me. i couldnt have said anything better to make my point. she called me stupid and said that she didnt want to talk to me anymore. she went into her room and slammed her door. i felt like all my strength had drained out of me. i turned the argument around and put her in her place by stating the truth. i didnt curse, or say things that i had meditated on saying to her. i know you have a purpose for this god, im going to keep walking. even when i lose strength, ill look unto you and ill find my strength in you. i love you jesus, and thank you for loving such a person as me. you are my jehovah-nissi, the lord my banner<3 i love you.

love, 

your little solider<3