breathe in, breathe out

honestly, i feel like everyday it just gets harder to breathe.
i found out the other day that im getting asthma.
I wasn't born with asthma, my allergies are just getting worse.
ive had to use my inhaler more often.
the weather doesn't help me either.
Thats besides the point;
i just wanted to let this out.
release it into that ocean that moves so freely.
im so envious of that ocean.
i want to be free.
i dont know what to do or what to say anymore.
i try to be the best i can be in my circumstances, and i always fall short.
i want to feel something.
i stay closed inside myself for so long that when i break, its just an avalanche of tears and im just breathless.
i cant breathe without feeling a sharp pain in my heart as something is cutting me open.
and i cant stop breathing, so what can i do?
no-one fully understands me.
they say they do..but i know they dont.
Be patient, they tell me.
they say it because they simply dont know what else to say.
i go to people for comfort and frankly, the river keeps flowing.
ive sucked out every resource and im left breathless.
am i too hard to explain?
whats so complicated about me..i practically walk with my heart on my shoulder.
ive just come to this conclusion:

no-one is going to give me the true comfort that i need.
God is the only one that can fully capture this hunger.
i just need to stop going to people for help, and go to God.
people have other problems to deal with, adding mine to their lists is going to eventually cause chaos.
i need to keep my mouth shut and my phone away from me when i feel emotionally exausted.
inhale, exhale
trust that he can prevail.
thats all i can do till this trial is over with.
stay strong jeanine, you can do it.

night
Jeanine