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lovechangespeople

So i took a cab and learned some creole. Then rented a car and the lady taught me some yoruba. The lady said i was really nice and she gave us a van, free of charge. I am having so much fun even though the car broke down. God is so good<3

Im in the room with all the people from the conference..and this girl is saying that shes not a slut but shes describing everything she's ever done..im so disgusted.

i dont think im whole. I still feel broken. I dont feel the same as before. But truth is, im not like before. And i dont think i can even decide which one of me was better. Me now, or me before.

I had a coversation with my aunt yesterday. I dont remember how the conversation began, but we were talking about unforgiveness. I said that i would forgive. But i sit here, in the back seat of the family car, a dark blue mercury monterey, and i testify to say that i still dont forgive her. Her voice still pulses back in through my brain, sending signals to my heart. The heart that will forever more hold the records of her uncontrollable attempts that almost made me a martyr or a killer.

I would fully disconnect from whatever i saw unfolding, taking shape in front of me. Whether it was my mothers muscles reacting to a nerve that came from the brain that was controlled by the other force. I can close my eyes and see her knuckles as they made their way to my fathers face; it was 4am, semis on both sides, going 89 mph. Poignant red burgandy blood running down his face, tears running down mine, and hate all over my mothers. I remember it like it just happened in front of me.

I would worship in my heart. I would worship so within me that no one but me could even feel my vocal chords beating and moving away, words being processed inside.

I misplaced my ipod and i havent seen it for three weeks and a half. I started telling my dad how my ipod was what helped keep me sane when everything happened.

I cant come to a definite and accurate number of how many times ive cried right next to someone..and they dont even notice.

I honestly, really dont like my mother. Shes starting to follow us again.

Sometimes, i wonder why these things happen to me. Why everyday feels like i have to climb over higher mountains and jump into deeper tunnels and run to the end before the sun falls and i lose my strength. These questions fall into my lap, new ones everyday surface my mind. And here i am, again, like countless times before..with no answer to the questions, the challenge that always unfolds. Its not like a movie that you can almost predict the ending, no. Fear is like a monster breathing down my neck. Its the giant that God told me about in the summer. I keep on putting it away in my closet, and just now, im forced to swallow my cowardly instinct and drink in admittance of its existence. But this time is a whole lot different- Im looking to God for strength, instead of hiding what i dont want to face for a later date.

Jump and fall:

? Gods plans are SO much better than mine. So why would i want my plans to work out if his are a gajillion times better than my own? Sometimes we forget to

? put that into perspective. We whine, we cry, just because our plans didnt go the way we wanted to or they didnt happen at all.

Sins like a potato chip. You cant only have one, and at the end of the day you're paying the consequence of being sick to your stomach.

Keep the fire..Fan it daily with time in God's presence.

& bad. Laying down makes it better but if i cough, it feels like im stabbing myself. Its really painful.

& I have this really sharp pain and my dad thinks that it might be my appendix..pray that it isnt :/ i cant go sleep cause of how much it hurts. Its really

I feel like throwing up.

? go away from this. I want to leave now and quick. Lord please give me the strength to stand firm in you. I cant think straight anymore.